When “You’re Too Much” Was the Only Feedback I Got
Every woman I know has gotten it in some form.
Sometimes it’s said flat out. Sometimes it’s implied. But it always lands the same.
“You’re too much.”
Not “your tone was off in that meeting.”
Not “let’s tighten the approach next time.”
Just… you, as a concept. As a presence. Too much.
It’s the go-to feedback when people can’t name what’s bothering them—but know it’s coming from a woman who doesn’t shrink.
Today’s Ladyfession isn’t about a confrontation.
It’s not about a screaming match.
It’s about the most common feedback high-performing women get—and how useless, lazy, and revealing it really is.
Ladyfession:
“When ‘You’re Too Much’ Was the Only Feedback I Got.”
— T., Chicago
There wasn’t a meeting.
No sit-down. No formal process. Just a one-off comment from someone who floats around with a title but doesn’t actually do the work.
We were catching up on a cross-functional project. Everything was ahead of schedule. Deliverables were met. The team was happy. Clients were even happier.
I mentioned what we were lining up next, and out of nowhere, she said,
“You’re a lot, you know that?”
I said, “What does that mean?”
She shrugged like it was obvious.
“You have opinions about everything. You kind of… take up a lot of space. You don’t leave much room for others.”
This wasn’t a peer. But it also wasn’t someone I reported to.
It was someone with just enough power to say that kind of thing out loud—and absolutely none of the credibility to back it up.
I waited for a real example.
She didn’t have one.
Just that same vague tone people use when they want to take you down a notch without taking ownership of it.
So I said, “Cool. I’ll take that as confirmation that I’m doing the job.”
And I walked away.
Because when someone calls you “too much” without giving you anything actionable, what they’re really saying is:
You’re hard to ignore. And that bothers me.
Here’s What No One Tells You
“Too much” is rarely about your actual behavior.
It’s about how someone else feels in comparison to you.
You’re prepared when they’re winging it.
You speak with certainty when they’re still fishing for consensus.
You make fast decisions. You don’t wait for groupthink.
You don’t stall just to be polite.
And suddenly, that confidence gets translated into a problem.
Not for the business. Not for the team. For their ego.
So instead of adjusting their own energy, they come for yours.
What I Did Next
Honestly? Nothing.
I didn’t try to defend myself.
I didn’t send a follow-up Slack to clarify the situation.
I didn’t spiral or second-guess my leadership.
I got back to work.
I kept leading.
Kept closing.
Kept showing up the way I always had.
And not surprisingly, six weeks later, when something urgent came up, guess who they looped in to handle it?
“Too much.”
Let’s Break This Down
People say “you’re too much” when they don’t have the vocabulary—or the guts—to say:
- “You move faster than I’m comfortable with”
- “You speak without cushioning it with 17 disclaimers”
- “You don’t need me, and that feels threatening”
- “You’re visible, and I don’t like watching you win”
“Too much” is how they try to shrink what they don’t understand or can’t control.
And here’s what they never consider:
It takes a special kind of self-control to not pop off when someone says that to your face.
If You’ve Ever Been Called “Too Much”
Here’s your reminder:
You are not required to be palatable to people who haven’t done what you’ve done.
You are not too direct. You are just done performing modesty.
You are not too confident. You are just finished asking permission.
You don’t owe anyone a more tolerable version of you just because they don’t know how to hold their own presence.
So the next time someone says, “You’re too much,” try this:
Smile. Say “Good.” And get back to what they can’t seem to keep up with.
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You’re not too much.
You’re just not playing small. And they know it.
